Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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