Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
