I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
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we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
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Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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