If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
