Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
