I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
