Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So squirting runs in the family.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
