Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just sent this text using only my big toe
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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