he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
