I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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