If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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