Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
