Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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