If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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