DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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