My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
