Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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