Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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