don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
