Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
