Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
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I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
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When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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