this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
