You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
