one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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