i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
