I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
