I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
