apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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