I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
