i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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