My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize