Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
