Just fell off a train. Bad.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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