I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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