I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
