the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
