I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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