I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
