My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
