from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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