We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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