her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
