Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
