They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
