I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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