i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
