so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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