What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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