I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
