cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
