That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
