i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
