I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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