my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
