Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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