dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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